Boob Boot Camp

This is my dilemma and I am sure for all you other women out there the same. Recently, I had to buy a bra.  This is at least 7.0 on the Richter scale of an earthquake not that my breasts are exploding out of my bra but it is the whole experience that had aftershocks that were alarming.

Think of the last time you actually bought a bra?  We buy bras every year or sometimes it has been too many years to count.  It is the same as how many times we go for our annual checkup to the gynecologist  Some of us are wearing a bra size that we wore back before we had children and just walk in the store and buy one off the rack, get home and if it fits, we don’t complain.  We are doing our boobs an injustice!

What I find ridiculous is do we even know how to buy a bra.  It isn’t like going to buy a one size fits all.  It is a little more complicated than that.

I love the bras that they sell that won’t fit the average woman and personally, I don’t think they fit anyone they are just in the stores to amuse us or maybe even taunt us.  I think the latter is true, don’t you?

My shopping experience was painful.  I had to ask the sales woman to direct me to the bras and she had that look as if she was a lifer in this department. I think she came with the building. She was armed with her measuring tape.

She whipped that measuring tape off her neck, whipped, and wrapped it around my blouse on the spot.

She had that look that she was determined to find my size if it killed her. This is someone you need to be friendly with! She informed me that 85% of women are wearing the wrong bra size as she glared at me and telling me with her look that it shows. She first took her yellow measuring tape and wound it around my chest and then she measured under my chest and then measured directly around the front of my chest.  With that much measuring, I wasn’t sure if she was measuring me for a bra or maybe for a coffin. 

It was a revelation!

She did tell me that “measuring only gives you a rough estimate and it depends on your body type Firm versus Fluffy.”  I just want to let you know I am the fluffy type whatever that meant.

What I find strange is when this woman was measuring me she looked me in the eye either with disbelief that I am letting her do this or that I have such an old bra or that I am this big.  As she finishes measuring me, she gave me another glare. I wasn’t sure if she was going to make me get down and do 20.  She had the look of a drill sergeant.  Maybe this was boot camp for bra abusers!

She then asks what color and at that point, I just want to have a bra that fits, you know what I mean?  This was not your typical over the shoulder boulder holder experience. She did tell me that getting older and with gravity I have according to the drill sergeant been wearing the wrong bra size. Like I really needed her to tell me that!  Did she think I have never looked in the mirror and saw what gravity does?  Please!

She pulled my straps up and said, “This is how you should wear a bra!”  I wanted to answer back “if I knew how to wear a bra would I be in here having you torture me?” I must say I did look hot when she pulled up the bra straps.  Now, if she could just follow me around holding my bra up for me I would look really hot all the time.

I went into the dressing room with so many different kinds of bras.  Some looked like I was working on a secret assignment for NASA and it was top secret how to get it open and wear it. Some showed that my cups runneth over and at my age, that was not a pretty sight.

Some Bras have so much foam in them I could insulate my house in the winter.

Then sergeant Rock came back in the dressing room and ogled me and gave me the once over. I could see her eyeballing me and I have to admit it unnerved me a bit. I did not want to show her that she scared me. I didn’t know if she was thinking I looked as good as I felt or what.  Then she began touching me in an impure manner and then began adjusting my bra.  I have to tell you my husband hasn’t felt me up like that since my honeymoon so this was a new sensation.  I wanted to tell her when I let somebody touch me this intimately they usually buy me dinner first.

I finally found the bra and let’s just say my new look is perky…