Boob Boot Camp

This is my dilemma and I am sure for all you other women out there the same. Recently, I had to buy a bra.  This is at least 7.0 on the Richter scale of an earthquake not that my breasts are exploding out of my bra but it is the whole experience that had aftershocks that were alarming.

Think of the last time you actually bought a bra?  We buy bras every year or sometimes it has been too many years to count.  It is the same as how many times we go for our annual checkup to the gynecologist  Some of us are wearing a bra size that we wore back before we had children and just walk in the store and buy one off the rack, get home and if it fits, we don’t complain.  We are doing our boobs an injustice!

What I find ridiculous is do we even know how to buy a bra.  It isn’t like going to buy a one size fits all.  It is a little more complicated than that.

I love the bras that they sell that won’t fit the average woman and personally, I don’t think they fit anyone they are just in the stores to amuse us or maybe even taunt us.  I think the latter is true, don’t you?

My shopping experience was painful.  I had to ask the sales woman to direct me to the bras and she had that look as if she was a lifer in this department. I think she came with the building. She was armed with her measuring tape.

She whipped that measuring tape off her neck, whipped, and wrapped it around my blouse on the spot.

She had that look that she was determined to find my size if it killed her. This is someone you need to be friendly with! She informed me that 85% of women are wearing the wrong bra size as she glared at me and telling me with her look that it shows. She first took her yellow measuring tape and wound it around my chest and then she measured under my chest and then measured directly around the front of my chest.  With that much measuring, I wasn’t sure if she was measuring me for a bra or maybe for a coffin. 

It was a revelation!

She did tell me that “measuring only gives you a rough estimate and it depends on your body type Firm versus Fluffy.”  I just want to let you know I am the fluffy type whatever that meant.

What I find strange is when this woman was measuring me she looked me in the eye either with disbelief that I am letting her do this or that I have such an old bra or that I am this big.  As she finishes measuring me, she gave me another glare. I wasn’t sure if she was going to make me get down and do 20.  She had the look of a drill sergeant.  Maybe this was boot camp for bra abusers!

She then asks what color and at that point, I just want to have a bra that fits, you know what I mean?  This was not your typical over the shoulder boulder holder experience. She did tell me that getting older and with gravity I have according to the drill sergeant been wearing the wrong bra size. Like I really needed her to tell me that!  Did she think I have never looked in the mirror and saw what gravity does?  Please!

She pulled my straps up and said, “This is how you should wear a bra!”  I wanted to answer back “if I knew how to wear a bra would I be in here having you torture me?” I must say I did look hot when she pulled up the bra straps.  Now, if she could just follow me around holding my bra up for me I would look really hot all the time.

I went into the dressing room with so many different kinds of bras.  Some looked like I was working on a secret assignment for NASA and it was top secret how to get it open and wear it. Some showed that my cups runneth over and at my age, that was not a pretty sight.

Some Bras have so much foam in them I could insulate my house in the winter.

Then sergeant Rock came back in the dressing room and ogled me and gave me the once over. I could see her eyeballing me and I have to admit it unnerved me a bit. I did not want to show her that she scared me. I didn’t know if she was thinking I looked as good as I felt or what.  Then she began touching me in an impure manner and then began adjusting my bra.  I have to tell you my husband hasn’t felt me up like that since my honeymoon so this was a new sensation.  I wanted to tell her when I let somebody touch me this intimately they usually buy me dinner first.

I finally found the bra and let’s just say my new look is perky…

Beware The Vajazzler

Remember the old commercials  "Do you canoe?”

Now the question is do you Vajazzle?  On the other hand, maybe I should ask do you Shave Wax or Vajazzle.

What is this new craze called Vajazzling?  Is this wild or what?  I saw Jennifer Love Hewitt being interviewed by George Lopez and she was hawking her new book and she mentioned that she wrote about this in her book how she vajazzles her “precious lady” as she called it.

Many women call it vajaja or vajayjay, Koochie, love appliance or Hootie patch or whatever name you prefer to call your private area.  Some one even named it her “lady’s forest” which I thought was a kick! I have never heard that name before or called it that.  I want to meet the people who name these parts of the body and wonder why these names stick.  Whatever you call it or not call it this is the new thing.  You can decorate it with jewels.  Yes, you heard right!  Isn’t this something else?  I have to be honest I have never thought to be that creative with my area to dress it up and take it out, have you? 

I am so bad when I am getting ready to go out for the evening deciding what earrings to wear could you imagine me saying to my husband, "Honey wait, I  have to decorate my vajayjay and the color has to match just right.”  Like who is going to see it anyways?  Maybe this will take the place of lingerie too if you can jewel yourself up why wear undies?

Talk about a new kind of makeover for your Lady’s forest!  Love that name!

Hewitt discussed how she broke up with her boyfriend and her friend told her to decorate her vajaja with Swarovski crystals.  She claimed it was a bad break up. Who is she kidding? Have you ever heard of a good break up? She did talk about her having the crystals and it shines like a pink disco ball down there too.  I guess you can have it any color.

Decorating has taken another form where you can now become an interior decorator of the vajayjay.  On the other hand, being a party planner with the disco ball you can now have a party in your pants!

I talked to a few of my friends and I got some who thought Ewwwww and then I have one friend who liked the idea and wants to vajazzles herself and she might like to take what Hewitt said just a bit further and have a disco ball actually hanging down there.  She said, “I would just learn to walk faster and walk more often.”  I laughed at that but I guess what do they say whatever turns you on?

I think the whole procedure is just a little strange.  You are waxed bare and choose a design.  The design is then glued crystal by crystal, or a crystal tattoo.

This is probably a little intimidating such as having a brazilllian wax that was popular a short time ago.  Now just ask to be vajazzled!

I don’t know about you but do I need a stranger playing with glue near me down there.  I hope this is not a hot glue gun! God forbid they use crazy sticky glue and can’t get there hands off me.  I might not mind this with my husband but not with some salon tech.  

Hey, do these techs go to school for this or just take a class in the backroom of Michaels?  Craft of the week!

I cannot wait for my daughter to say this is what she wants to major in at school!  This will be great for all those stay at home Mom’s that want to take a part time job or even the woman who is looking to change careers.  It is kind of like plastic surgery…kinda.  More Makeovers!

Most women get it done above the vajaja but according to Hewitt’s description, it sounds like she had it done below because she does mention that it shines like disco ball on her precious lady.

I guess the trick is when you have it done and wear low riders jeans it will reveal the crystals.  Could you imagine you are walking down the street and it is very sunny and you are blinding people with the light?  I want to know how many people will follow the light….move toward the light!

It is called Vajazzling or bedazzlzing.  Remember the infomercial about the bedazzler where you could bedazzle anything.  I think they were talking about clothes and not your vajaja.  I remember the commercial stating "It was the Amazing Stud and Rhinestone Setter."  My thought is if you get Vajazzled you may find your own stud….I wonder if this is going to take off like the bedazzler and be an infomercial and they show and sell it on QVC!

Can you see Waterford or Tiffany’s getting into the act with their crystal and silver?  Gee, I was thinking I have to go to a wedding shower and now I know what I can get.  I can buy a little jewel for the bride to be so she can be vajazzled

It will be like charms we use to buy for the bracelets.  You can pick out any charms and have them glued on. 

The cost to be vajazzled is 115.00 and the only salon that is doing this is in New York City.  They show one design with a padlock on a chain that sells for 750.00 so this is not cheap at all. Now I don’t get the padlock on a chain but I am sure that is a metaphor to keep someone out but you let the tech in.

So you can get jazzled under 1000.00 and it stays on for five days!  I guess this could make you smile or feel like you are shiny all over.  Maybe, even feel like a celebrity or rock star for a week.  Like I said, the jewels come in colors and you can probably decorate this to match your vibrator!

This is funny, now in the family your husband will not be the only one with the family jewels....

The Nightmare Before Prom

Have you ever had a nightmare and you could not wake up?  Well, this past weekend I was having a nightmare but I was wide-awake.

I didn’t think buying a prom dress was going to be this big of a deal. It was like having root canal without the novocain. 

We drove and shopped every store in a 50-mile radius and fighting the windy and wet weather.  It was the most exhausting and grueling 2 days of my life. I was dehydrated, tired and my whole body ached. I felt like I was in a triathlon.

It all began when my daughter did not want to go to the prom and I thought great I dodged that bullet and then about a week ago she changed her mind and decided to go to the Prom.

Now, I do remember people saying that they began looking for dresses back in December and February. I heard the same rumor but thought I was not going to be one of those Mom’s who are kooky enough to engage in this nonsense….well I am the Kooky Mom and what adventure this has been?  I am frazzled and at my wits end.

It has been like being on one of those spinning rides, strapped in and can’t get off and just feeling dizzy and nauseas.  We began with going to bridal shops because that is so in now and what a racket that is.  It is like picking out a wedding gown and the dresses are just as expensive.  My daughter wanted all those beads and lots of tulle.  Half the dresses are samples and would not even fit a Barbie doll. 

When she finally found one that fit I was transported back to that magical place called OZ.  My daughter was standing there and turned into Glinda the Good Witch from the North. If my daughter had asked if I was, a good witch or a bad witch I would have taken her head off and she would have known I was the Bad Witch!  I thought for a moment she was going to break out in song singing, “come out come out where ever you are?”  

What is with proms and buying prom dresses?  You would think your daughter is going to a coronation but there is no crowning or meeting the Queen.  Of course, with high schools today maybe there are more queens now than when I went to school

My daughter then did not want anything poofy, which I am not sure, is even a word. Nevertheless, poofy or not, is saying you don’t like ketchup with your fries.  All these dresses are poofy and so we went on the hunt again.

Some of the dresses that we looked at that were not Glinda style were strapless, halter, open back and some even showed the sides and tummy.  I told my daughter if she were going to show that much skin she might as well pose for playboy.  I guess I wanted to know whom are the designers making these dresses so our daughters can look so grown up and so slutty at the same time?

The highlight was being in Macy’s when it closed and being in the dressing room and all the lights went out.  I thought it was a blackout and my only thoughts were that I was glad I didn’t have to go to the rest room and I wish I had water.  My daughter began to panic and I began to tell her I had closed more places in my life than I cared to admit but then again Macy’s didn’t say anything about last call!

Needless to say, we did not find the Prom dress.  Did I mention the prom is this Friday!

The search is still on….

Funny Things To Get Excited About!

Isn’t it funny the things you get excited about?  I am getting a washing machine today, which I am so thrilled about.  It shows how pathetic my life really is if I can get this happy about an appliance. 

This must be what happens when you get older.  I can’t think of getting

excited over a machine that washes dirty clothes.  Can you?

Even when we went looking for a washing machine, it was a big deal. I had no idea how many washing machines are out there and how many gadgets they have.  Of course, the more gadgets the more expensive.  When I went out looking, I thought I just wanted a washing machine.  One that washes and gets the clothes clean and not to sound like an infomercial but something that gets Whites White. I was in for a rude awaking and a real education there is more to the washer than just getting my whites clean!

Okay, here is the scenario you walk in to the store and you know you can’t just go to one store anymore.

They have such a selection of washers they have washers with the front load,

This is the new trend in washers and they have the open doors so you can watch your wash go around and around.  Sounds like fun and may I ask do I really have time to watch my wash.  I can imagine me telling my husband I watched the wash washing today and you need to sit down and watch this when you get home tonight.

They have those stands too for the washers and dryers and this is where it gets medical. The sales woman told me these stands are for people who have bad backs.  Is she kidding?  If I have a bad back, do you really think I am doing the laundry? Those stands also come with a hefty price tag. For that kind of money, I might just see the chiropractor.  Now the big thing is no agitator.  I didn’t even know what an agitator was. It sounded like a word you shouldn’t use in public….

The sales woman is selling me the no agitator telling me all the big things I can wash in there.  Did she think I have a pet Elephant that I am going to be bathing daily?  How many big things do we wash?  Okay, maybe a comforter but the way she was describing it I could maybe wash my car in there too.

These sales people act like they are showing you diamonds talking about the grades and how they are rated and how it sparkles and it won’t lose its luster.  My gosh, it is a washing machine!  I mean I am excited but it is not like I can wear it on my finger and tell everyone look at my new washer and have everybody ooh and ahh over it. 

Yes, it comes it different colors too! Did you know that washers are now in so many colors?  They are not boring anymore. The sales woman said I could decorate with these colors too.  Wouldn’t that be cute buying your sofa now so it matches your washer?

Like I said, it was an education.  I didn’t buy the washer with all the bells and whistles but it does have some cool stuff on it where it does glow at night.  Not really, but wouldn’t that be very cool!  It glows and gets your whites whites! 

Now, my mission is to show my husband and children where the washer is located and show them it is user friendly…

Marriage Makeover Anyone?

What I need is a marriage makeover!  They do every other kind of makeover so why not a marriage makeover?

Wouldn’t that be tempting?  A marriage makeover you know where you get your husband to turn into that hot guy who was that polite, sweet, flirting guy that knew just what to say and how to fall at your feet and tell you and show you how much he loved you.  That would be a cute trick! Where is that Man?

I’ll tell you in my house that man is a married man…..enough said!

I don’t really need a marriage makeover but the idea is appealing, isn’t it?

I don’t get it you get married and they sell you with that idea since you are a little girl that it will be happily ever after. (So far we are still together and happier more days than not) but, you buy in to that whole fairytale where your Prince Charming will come along, fall in love with you. Then, he rescues you and marries you. Okay, move forward many years in to the future and have some children hopefully his, then POOF reality sinks in, and you are married!

You then wake up next to this man that you said “I do” and “for better or worse” and have to think am I still dreaming?  I did not sign on for this!

My husband is truly a wonderful guy.  He makes me laugh.  Sometimes he does pick the kids up from their various activities and sometimes when he is feeling like Emeril will cook for us and say “BAM”!

 He is getting close to having his own cooking show.  He watches enough of them and tells me how good all the food looks….

What is funny is he use to help with the kids quite a bit when they were younger and then one day went on a business trip and when he came back I had to ask who he was because he was not the same guy. I did not know who this man was! He came home a different man and he believed I was the hired help you know without the paycheck.

One time when I wanted to go out with my girlfriends for dinner, my son who was only about five at the time began whining that I was leaving.  I told my son, “you see that guy on the couch with the remote control introduce yourself that’s your father”

Even now if my husband gets sick which I must say is rare but when he does the whole world shifts on its axis and God forbid if he has a hang nail the whole world is ending…..maybe when the Mayan’s were talking about the world coming to an end it was a Mayan woman and her husband had a hang nail. What do you think?

What is with husbands especially mine that when he comes home he has to be in command? I felt like I was on the Starship Enterprise last night and Captain Kirk comes home and feels he has no responsibilities. He turns the Bridge over to me, Scotty   He then uses the remote to channel surf the galaxy for the next 4 hours!  He does use the communicator to bore me with what a rough day he has had and then asks what's for dinner?
You can imagine what I said! 

I felt like one of the Klingons and said the famous Klingons proverb: "Revenge is a dish that is best served cold"

He doesn’t ask what’s for dinner anymore!

Who doesn't like Dr. Seuss?

I was wondering who in the world does not know who Dr. Seuss is?  If you did not grow up with Dr. Suess, you certainly had to hear about him when you began introducing books to your children or when your child began kindergarten.  Yes, there really was a Dr. Seuss.  He was not really a doctor, but he had been writing books for more than 60 years. He does honor his mother, which I love, and he gives her credit for the rhymes in which he wrote because his mother always sang rhymes to him before bedtime.  His birthday is March 2.

The name Suess is a pseudonym that he chose and it is fitting for him, don’t you think?  Suess was his middle name and his mother’s maiden name.

Dr. Suess is one wacky guy.  It boggles my mind how he came up with some of his funny books.

The one I am sure you all remember is the famous Cat in the hat and my favorite Green Eggs and Ham.  Just reading it aloud is a tongue twister. It is music to my ears even at my age.

We have all memorized lines from the books with that rhythmical and musical tone.  It is nearly impossible not to remember and laugh when you hear them.  I love remembering my children learning to read by hearing these funny rhymes and repeating them over and over again

"I meant what I said, and I said what I meant. An elephant’s faithful, one hundred percent."

What I enjoyed about Dr. Suess is that he taught us some important messages in life how to be caring and loyal. I love the most important message in my favorite cartoon “How the Grinch stole Christmas. I love the part in the movie where “in Whoville they say the Grinch’s small heart grew three sizes that day” It is goodness over evil and goodness wins. I love that the Grinch becomes a kind and loving friend to all and that is what we should strive in our everyday lives.  It would make for nicer people in the world too.  It is a lesson that has stuck with me all my life.

Here are a few quotes from Dr. Seuss that I love…

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself, any direction you choose."

 "And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed"

Good life lessons....

To Be A Friend Or Be A Parent?

Isn’t this a great question?  Do you want to be friend or parent to your child?   It is a tough question and a fine line of rearing your child.  I know that being a parent is a tough job and how you parent is even tougher.  You do want to be a fun parent and maybe by acting like your child's equal or a friend you may think you will have a closer relationship.  However, is that how you really want to parent?

 I would love to be friends with my child but I do not think I would be a good parent.  They are both important roles in your children’s lives aren’t they?  However, being a parent does carry a huge responsibility don’t you think?  If you look up the definition of a parent it said “one that begets or brings forth offspring or a person who brings up and cares for another” that is quite vague isn’t it?  I mean one who cares for another well you can care for a pet and still be a friend.  I then looked up parent when it becomes a verb and that said, “To be or act as a parent”

So, how as parents are we suppose to act?  I know there are so many articles on this subject of parenting saying how we should bring up our children and suggestions to be role models.  What is a role model?  According to Webster a role model is “a person whose behavior in a particular role is imitated by others” Hopefully that is a person whose behavior is up to par as yours is.

I have quite a different answer I don’t want to be a friend to my children I want to be the parent.  I take this role very seriously.  I can still laugh and have fun but I still want to have the parent child relationship. 

I believe children still need rules and there is a fine line between the child and the parent.  I have to set guidelines and we have certain rules in my house that I expect my children to obey.  Being a good parent means being honest with your children and treating them like people and not objects.  You want to encourage you children to do well in school and be there for them when those tough questions come up about friendship, alcohol, drugs, sex. depression, eating disorders and all development issues that kids deal with. I know we are not going to be a hundred percent right all the time.  As parents, we make mistakes.  I think the key is if we make a mistake, we admit it and then try not to make that same mistake again.  I believe if we love our kids that we should not give into every whim they choose.  We need to show them boundaries, and let them know no matter what, that we love them.  Of course, we need to be involved in our children’s lives and make sure we cheer them on even if they are not the best in the game.  It does take time and hard work and often times we might have to rearrange our busy schedules.  We need to be there emotionally and physically for our children.

When my child argues with me, I know he is trying to spread his wings and show his independence but as long as he does it in a respectful way that is fine but if he gets sassy and smart mouth then he has lost the argument.  It is out job as parents to nurture and shape them into a good person. What our children learn from our guidance will determine how they will act in the real world.  The hardest thing I believe is to set rules and if we don’t do this, we are going to have little monsters on our hands. We need to be consistent in out thinking and let them know that there is a consequence to things in life.

We need to teach our children to respect their elders and respect themselves too. That is a hard lesson with our world today.  To raise a confident child is a daunting undertaking job.

I think when we think of parenting as a job and not take it very seriously we are doing a disservice to our society.  It is funny in every other job that is important or maybe even difficult there is always some kind of training and with parenting there is no training at all.  I often think if I had a family heirloom that I would cherish it with all my heart and make sure, I really took care of this precious gift.  Our children are our heirlooms and they are our precious gifts. Let’s be parents to our children and not their friends.  They don’t need another friend they need their parents.

I found this quote and not sure who said it but I believe this sums it up very well.

 “There is no more important job in any society than raising children, and there is no more important influence on how children develop than their parents.”

Let me know what you think?